RUMPELSTILTSKIN.COM

BY DEREK DWYER AND MERLIN PRICE

SCENE 3

(A forest glade, trees overhanging, with the centre clearing set up as a very up to date office, faxes, PC's, 'phones, desk with anglepoise lamp switched on, in and out trays, filing cabinets, files, folders, a pedestal fan, etc. etc. Rumpelstiltskin is sitting behind the desk, a phone to each ear. Little elves race around placing paper into in-trays and generally busying themselves. The same pieces of paper can be noticed going out and coming back in again ad infinitum.)

SONG: 'WE'RE BUSY DOIN' NOTHIN''

Rumpelstiltskin: Yes guv, that's right, Rumpelstiltskin.com - no I said com not con. We deal in futures. What do you mean, what kind of futures? What kind of future would you like? Winnin' the Lottery is a favourite, that costs a bit though. Night out with Carol Vorderman comes in at a bit cheaper, but not much. I could do you an evening at home with a curry and Vanessa Feltz for a couple of quid?? No. Right. (Takes next call on other phone) Rumpelstiltskin.com here, how can I help you? Your future didn't work? Warranty? No we've never done warranties - there's no future in them! Look at it this way sir, it's all in the past now anyway isn't it! I know you're cross Ann Widdecombe didn't win Miss World, but there you go, there's sometime a slight defect we can't be responsible for in the programmin'! I think we mis-heard you when you said, 'There's something of the slight about her.' Oh charmin' - and yours! (Slams phone down)

(Enter a couple of elves - they are very excited)

Rumpelstiltskin: What is it boys, I'm busy! What have you got there?

Elf 1: Sir, sir, we've just found this on the castle walls

Rumpelstiltskin: I've told you to ignore the graffiti about me, It doesn't really bother me that much being called a .......

Elf 2: No, no! You told us we had to look out for things in the future that you could get involved in.

Elf 1: And it just so happens that next Saturday the King and Queen are going to hold a competition to choose a person who will be a suitable bride for Prince Hughlet.

Rumpelstiltskin: A competition eh? Hmmm. Let me think. This sounds as if it's got possibilities. Now if I was to have a hand in the running of the country, then that could make a rather nice cosy future for all of us. On the level! I might just have to pop over there and see exactly what goes on. Right lads. That's it, we're closed. Shut up shop for the day. We're open again for business 9.00 am tomorrow!.

(Elves rapidly dismantle the office and remove all vestiges of it whilst reprising the song. When the clearing is empty enter Blackviper and Hayrick. They come on from opposite sides backwards and bump into each other.)

Hayrick: Aaargh!

Blackviper: Hayrick! Why are you walking backwards?

Hayrick: I'm trying to see where I've been so I can find my way home again.

Blackviper: If I were to peer down your left ear Hayrick, do you suppose I'd be able to see daylight?

Hayrick: Oh, I shouldn't think so Mr. B. ........ There's too much wax in there (sticks finger in ear and wiggles it about before holding it up) - look! (he tastes it appreciatively) I'll save this for the evening meal, master (he wipes it carefully on his shirt-front).

Blackviper: When Nature made you, Hayrick, it was obviously early closing day at Mr. Cerebellum's used brain emporium. In fact, Nature probably had nothing to do with it. I suspect that you, Hayrick, are a self-made man who stupidly gave the job to the lowest bidder.

Hayrick: Oh thank you Mr. B. 'Ere, I was talkin' to that squire of Good King Wenceslas' yesterday, and 'ee told me that they've started stockpilin' winter fuel! They're draggin' their horses to the fillin' station an' stuffin' 'em full of hay, even though they're still more than half full from the last feed!

Blackviper: Ah yes. That would explain the outbreaks of horse-rage I've been reading about.

Hayrick: Oh yes. You mean like when Mrs Miggins took her fine young stallion down to the Elf station last Thursday and Mistress Quickly reckoned that she should be served first 'cause she provides an essential service.

Blackviper: (knowingly) So I've heard!

Hayrick: Anyroad Mr. B. What're we doin' out here in the woods?

Blackviper: We're looking for seclusion.

Hayrick: Sir who? Oh, Sir Clusion! Is he lost then?

Blackviper: Hayrick - it is my belief that God put you on Earth to teach us that not everything in creation has a purpose. I need you Hayrick.

Hayrick: Really, Mr. B?

Blackviper: Yes! I need you as much as a banjo player needs Beethoven's Fifth.

Hayrick: Oh thank you Mr. B. - Anyroad, when did this Sir Clusion go missin' exactly?

Blackviper: Hayrick, you have one redeeming feature. I hear that you're kind to your inferiors.

Hayrick: It's true Mr. B.

Blackviper: Though where you find them, I can't imagine!

Hayrick: (Muses) Hmmm. Perhaps you're right. I am kind to my inferiors. In that regard I'm my own worst enemy.

Blackviper: Not while I'm alive you're not!

Hayrick: Oh thank you Mr. B. You're the tops!

SONG: 'YOU'RE THE TOPS'

First verse as written by Cole Porter and sung by a sycophantic Hayrick.
Verse two sung by Blackviper:

You're the pits,
Black hole of Calcutta.
You're the pits,
Way down in the gutter.
You're like a bad toothache
From eating cold ice-cream,
You're a dose of measles,
Face like a weasel's,
You're a scary dream.

Verse three as written by Cole Porter and sung by a sycophantic Hayrick
Verse four sung by Blackviper:

You're the pits,
You're an upset tummy.
You're the pits,
You're the cursed mummy.
You're like a lack of sleep,
A refuse heap with flies,
You're dressed in rummage,
Look like Wurzel Gummidge,
You're a pack of lies.

Last verse is Cole Porter's verse two repeated, but this time sung by both. Hayrick sings: ' You're the tops', and Blackviper sings: 'I'm the tops'.

Hayrick: So what are we doin' 'ere Mr. B?

Blackviper: Listen carefully Hayrick. I have a very, very, cunning plan! I know a dot.com company that might just be able to arrange a rosy future for both of us! (Takes out mobile phone and begins to dial a number as ....... )

THE CURTAINS CLOSE