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BY DEREK DWYER & MERLIN PRICE
WITH ADDITIONAL MATERIAL BY IAN MARSHALL
Widow Twanky's cottage. As curtain opens, the Dame is seen to be doing an impersonation of Julie Andrews.
DAME: ( Sings) "The house is alive, with the piles of washing! The socks, vests and knickers, from a thousand homes!" An' I wish they'd stayed there. Oooh, I hate washing! Don't you just hate washing ( Repartee with audience) I tell you, working in a laundry is no job for someone with a delicate sense of smell ( sniffs armpits). Oooooh!
Enter Wishee and Washee.
DAME: Ah, there you are, you two. Now that you're unemployed, and your brother seems to be living on a different planet since he peeked at the princess, you'd better give me a hand with this laundry. If we finish early, I'll take you all to the park this afternoon for a picnic.
W&W: Great, mum.
WASHEE: What do you want us to do then?.
DAME: Well, you can take the washing off the spin drier.
WISHEE: But mum, we haven't got a spin drier.
DAME: Oh yes we have. Hold this. ( Dame hands end of washing line to Wishee. Takes off cardigan to reveal bundles of clothes wrapped round her. She twirls round and all clothes come off pegged on to washing line. Hands other end to Washee). There you are. Hang that lot up.
WASHEE: What a way to dry washing.
DAME: Well, I've got such a lot of work to do, I've got a little behind.
WASHEE: ( Looking behind her) I wouldn't say that.
DAME: Cheeky. I'll stop your pocket money for that.
W&W: But you don't give us any pocket money.
DAME: In that case, I'll start it ... then I'll stop it. Anyway, I can't afford to give you any pocket money.
WISHEE: Oh, go on mum. You can afford to give us a pound to go to the pictures.
DAME: Oh, all right then. I'll tell you what, can I borrow a pound off each of you?
W&W: Right ho, mum ( They each hand over £1)
DAME: Right there you are. There's your pound for the pictures. ( Hands them back the £1 each). Now, you'll both have 50p change, so you will owe me a pound, right.
W&W: Yes, mum ( They each hand back the original £1)
DAME: Good. Now, here's the £1 I owed you, so we're straight. Right!
W&W: Yes, mum.
DAME: Here, did I tell you I nearly won the football pools last week.
WASHEE: Did you really mum?
DAME: Yes I did. My homes were all right. My aways were all right. ( Pulls tatty pair of bloomers from the tub). But my draws let me down.
WISHEE: ( Looking in the tub) I see you've got the laundry for ******* United again ( pulls out strip - holds it out for everyone to see, with big holes in it). Hey, what are these holes in it?
DAME: Well, everyone says they've got holes in their defence. That proves it.
WASHEE: ( Pulling out another huge pair of bloomers) And whose are these?
DAME: I could do with some of these. ( Singing to tune of My Fair Lady) "All I want is some knickers like these, to keep me warm from my neck to me knees, oh wouldn't it be lovely." Did you know I once had some knickers made out of a Union Jack.
WISHEE: Weren't they uncomfortable?
DAME: Not once I'd taken the flagpole out. Oh well, better press on with the ironing. ( Realises what she has said) Press on with the ironing, ho, ho, ho. Tell you what, you put some starch in that tub over there and starch these clothes while I go and get some sheets to hang out. Not too much starch mind you. Oh and while you're at it, put up another washing line for me, will you.
W&W: Yes mum. (They put a pile of clothes in the tub, and pick up packet marked Starch. They squabble over who is to pour it, and end up ripping the packet and pouring it all in the tub.).
WISHEE: Now look what you've done. We'd better see what it's done to the washing.
WASHEE: Hey, here's Mr. Hi Pong's best shirt. ( Takes out large cardboard, stiff shirt shape). I bet that'll give him a stiff neck.
WISHEE: Let's see what else went in there. ( They take out various garments in shape of cardboard cut-outs - play with these ad lib). Hey, this is fun.
DAME: Is that line up yet Wishee?
WISHEE: ( Preoccupied) Yes mum?
WASHEE: The line - we haven't put it up yet!
DAME: (Struggling on to stage with huge sheet). Good. Right, I'll hang this up (she tries to put sheet over washing line she believes has been put up but is not there; falls on floor)
Enter Aladdin
ALADDIN: Hi mum. Guess, what, I've just met your long-lost brother in law. He really must be your long-lost brother in law, he knew everything about us. He even knew Mrs Chong, and she's been dead 15 years. He said he used to enjoy a long chat with her.
DAME: Funny! Deaf and dumb from birth was Mrs Chong!
ALADDIN: Oh! Anyway, he said he'd come round tonight and explain how I could find my fortune and become incredibly rich!
WISHEE: If you're rich, you'll be able to marry the princess.
ALADDIN: Shhh! It's a secret!
WASHEE: ( Very loudly) What? It's a secret that you want to marry the princess?
ALADDIN: Shh!! You didn't understand when I told you this morning! Anyway mother, he should be here anytime now..
SFX: Knock knock
ALADDIN: That must be him! (He answers door and ushers in Abanazer)
ABANAZER: ( Heading towards Wishee) Ah! The delightful Widow Twanky! Just as beautiful as the day my brother married you! (Wishee points to Widow Twanky). Eh? Oh! Er, of course, of course! As I was saying - just as beau .... er .... yes, well, I would have recognised you anywhere ....
DAME: I've never seen you before in my life!
ABANAZER: Oh! Er, it seems like only yesterday that you married my dear brother and went off on honeymoon to, er, let me see, where was it now?
DAME: Blackpool?
ABANAZER: Yes, yes - that's it! Oh I remember it well! You looked so lovely as we waved you off from the reception!
DAME: I've never been to Blackpool in my life, - throw him out Aladdin, he's an impostor!
ABANAZER: No, no! Now wait a minute - my memory fails me. Let me see .... Ah yes! Aladdin's christening! Yes! He looked so sweet in that long white christening robe!
DAME: Blue!
ABANAZER: Er, yes .... long blue christening robe!
DAME: Short blue! Aladdin - throw him out!
ABANAZER: ( from door, gripped by Aladdin and Wishee, pushed by Washee) Wait, wait! I can make you richer than the Emperor! There's gold in this for all of you!
DAME: Of course, of course .... I remember now, it all comes back to me! My long lost brother-in -law! .... Aladdin, go and fetch your Uncle Alabaster a drink!
ABANAZER: Abanazer!
DAME: Oh yes, of course! ( to audience) I'll never remember a name like that!
ABANAZER: Now gather around and I'll tell you the secret that will make us all rich! (They all cluster around him) Many years ago, I discovered a great hoard of hidden treasure. It lies not far from here, buried deep below the Earth! The only entrance is a narrow opening high in the hillside. Alas! I am too old and infirm to climb in there myself, but a young agile lad like Aladdin could manage it with ease.
DAME: What's in it for you, Mr Alka Seltzer?
ABANAZER: Abanazer!
DAME: That's right ( to audience) I told you I'd never remember that!
ABANAZER: At my age I have no need of such baubles! I want only one thing, a mere trifle, a thing of sentimental value - an old lamp. The rest is yours!
DAME: Sounds reasonable!
ABANAZER: Splendid! Then meet me tomorrow Aladdin, on the Peking Road, and I will lead you to your fortune! Until then .... farewell!
CURTAINS CLOSE