BEAUTY & THE BEAST
SCENE 8: Inside the village inn.
The soldiers are scattered around the tables. Buxom barmaids are serving drinks. Ooops! We’re dreaming again!
SONG: Drinking song from ‘ The Student Prince’
CARP: Oh! Ginger beer shandy - my favourite!
SGT.FLASH: Go easy on them Carpy, you’ve ‘ad two already! By the way where’s McKilt?
CPL. SMITH: He’s till outside in the car park! I think he’s had a wee bit too much to drink. Last time I saw him he was still doin’ his imitation of a speed bump!
SGT.FLASH! C’mon, it’s my shout, what you havin’ lads?
GORMLESS: That’s kind of you Sgt. Flash. I’d like a cocktail if possible.
SGT.FLASH: Right you are squire, any particular one?
GORMLESS: Yes, I’d like a Card Table please
SGT.FLASH: Card Table? I’ve never heard of one of those before.
GORMLESS: Oh yes, its rather good, just one of those and your legs fold right up under you!
SGT.FLASH: Gor blimey! Was all your family into the booze then?
GORMLESS: Funny you should mention that. My Uncle Josiah, he used to go around drinking champagne from ladies’ slippers! He ended up with athlete’s tongue!
CPL. SMITH: Funny, every time I’ve had too much to drink, I see rabbits with red spots!
CARP: Gosh Corporal, have you seen a doctor?
CPL. SMITH: No, just rabbits with red spots!
Enter McKilt (Rather dishevelled)
CARP: Here Mr. McKilt, whatever happened to you?
McKILT: I had a wee accident!
CARP: What was that?
McKILT: I fell doon stairs wi’ two pints o’ whisky!
CARP: Gosh, and did you spill any?
McKILT: Nay, not a drop! I managed to keep ma mouth shut!
GORMLESS: .... and then there was my Uncle Sebastian ... now he joined the AA AA
McKILT: The AA AA? What on earth’s that?
GORMLESS: Its for people who’ve been driven to drink!
SGT.FLASH: Right then lads, who’s for another? I’ve had a good day today so its my shout!
CPL. SMITH: You’re a good ‘un Sgt.Flash, ain’t that right lads?
McKILT: Aye, he’s a real pal. I’ll have another wee pint of Glen McForage!
GORMLESS: But don’t you realise that whisky is a slow poison?
McKILT: Och! I’m in nae hurry!
More drinks are served. Gormless is served with a flamboyant cocktail with umbrellas, swizzle sticks, large pieces of fruit etc.
CARP: That’s very generous of you Sgt. Flash! (he sips) Hic! I couldn’t see Baron Davenport buyin’ us all a drink like that!
CPL. SMITH : (Pointing) I couldn’t see anybody buying a drink like that!
McKILT: Aye! Mind you the Baron only drinks on special occasions! - when someone else is buying!
CPL. SMITH: C’mon McKilt, be fair, he’s always the first to put his hand in his pocket!
McKILT: Aye, and always the last to take it oot again! He’s the sort who likes to drink on an empty pocket!
GORMLESS: He’s just a very moderate man ... he thinks two drinks are enough for anyone!
McKILT: Aye, especially if its his turn to buy the third! Not that he’s that stingy, he did take some money out of the bank for a holiday - and when it’d had one, he put it back again!
CARP: (Hic!) I reckon good ole Sgt. Flashy would be a better CO than the Baron!
CPL. SMITH: What a thing to say about the Baron!
McKILT: The boy might have a wee point!
CPL:SMITH: But the Baron is a great ossifer! Did you know he was once decorated for saving a whole regiment!
CARP: Ooh! Really, what did he do?
McKILT: He shot the cook!
CPL SMITH: But he had an excellent war record!
CARP: Oh really, what was that?
McKILT: Vera Lynn singing ‘We’ll meet again’!
GORMLESS: But wouldn’t it be mutiny or some such if we were to oust him?
McKILT: (Takes out dog-eared booklet from top pocket) I just happen to have ma copy of the King’s Regulations here! I quote from chapter seventeen, page 45, sub-paragraph three - regimental goats, care and breeding … no, that’s not it! Ah, here we are! ... the only reason for usurping the authority of the commanding officer is if he is proved to be mentally or morally unfit to command!
SGT.FLASH: Right then lads, if we want rid of him, then when he turns up, we need to take careful note of what he says, anything that sounds daft, or dishonest, and we’ll have him!
ALL: Good idea Flashy!
CARP: And then you’d be the CO!
CPL. SMITH: I don’t hold with this, it’s disloyal, it’s despicable, I wash me hands of it!
SGT.FLASH: Oh dear, oh dear, that’s a real pity that is, you not bein wiv the rest of us! But I see you’re a man of high principles Smithy! You wouldn’t be the sort that’d short change poor old ladies on their meat ration by keepin’ your thumb on the scales?
CPL. SMITH: I resent that! And how did you know?
SGT. FLASH: I won’t say anything Smithy, that’s if we’re all pals together!
CPL. SMITH: I don’t like it ... but oh alright, you win!
Door opens. Enter the Baron in disarray.
BARON: Oh, lads! I’m so pleased to see you safe, I’ve been so worried, Look, let me get you all a hot toddy to warm you up!
Men exchange worried glances.
SGT. FLASH: Nice to see you safe and well Baron. Perhaps you could tell us exactly what happened?
BARON: It was quite extraordinary ... I somehow got separated from you men, and suddenly I found myself outside this great big dark (aside to audience) but I daren’t tell them the truth ... I gave my word I would never tell the secret of the Beast! - Beauty’s very life will depend on it! (to the men) .... er big, dark ... dear me, I’ve forgotten!
McKILT: He’s only just started the story, and already he’s forgotten!
SGT. FLASH: Fair’s fair McKilt, give the Baron a chance!
BARON: Well there I was, and there right in front of me was this gigantic, enormous ....
CPL. SMITH: Yes, yes, but what exactly was right in front of you?
BARON: I’ve forgotten!
McKILT: Oh fer goodness sake mon! Can ye no remember anything? Beauty went looking for ye, did you no see her?
BARON: Beauty, Beauty! Oh of course I saw her, she was at the (gulp) the ... oh its gone, I’ve clean forgotten! Oh dear, I think I’m losing my memory!
CPL. SMITH: Oh I’m sorry sir, why don’t you have a nice cup of tea and try and forget all about it!
SGT. FLASH: No, no. Tell us more … tell us more
(The following number is a pastiche of ‘Summer Nights’ from ‘Grease’ with the squad singing the chorus, complete with actions, and the Baron singing the John Travolta part.)
SQUAD: Well-a well-a well-a well, tell us more, tell us more,
Did you walk very far?
Tell us more, tell us more,
Just what was it you saw?
Shoody bop bop, shoody bop bop, shoody bop bop wow
Shoody bop bop, shoody bop bop, shoody bop bop wow
BARON: Through a forest, spooky and still,
To a castle crowning a hill,
Saw a girl, - I know her well,
Please don’t ask, because I can’t tell
Castle walls, - I was released,
Left the girl in the lair of a beast!
SQUAD: Well-a well-a well-a well, tell us more, tell us more,
Did you walk very far?
Tell us more, tell us more,
Just what was it you saw?
Shoody bop bop, shoody bop bop, shoody bop bop wow
Shoody bop bop, shoody bop bop, shoody bop bop wow
BARON: Memry’s going, nothing is clear,
I can’t answer your questions I fear
Left the girl, I still see her face,
Left the girl, she stayed in my place
I’m so sad, don’t know what to say,
If I tell, then she won’t get away.
SQUAD: Well-a well-a well-a well, tell us more, tell us more,
Did you walk very far?
Tell us more, tell us more,
Just what was it you saw?
Shoody bop bop, shoody bop bop, shoody bop bop wow
Shoody bop bop, shoody bop bop, shoody bop bop wow
SGT. FLASH: Oh, this is a waste of time! Pull yourself together and tell us …. where’s Beauty now?
BARON: Oh, Beauty! That’s easy! She stayed with the (gulp) er … at the ... by … the ... across from … you know ... oh it’s gone! I’ve clean forgotten that as well!
McKILT: I think we’ve hearrd enough! This man is out of his mind! A terrible thing to happen (he grimaces at Sgt. Flash) Aye, a terrible thing when a man’s no longer fit! If ye get my meaning!
CARP: I didn’t understand a thing he said. How can you take orders from someone who’s completely lost his memory?
BARON: (Panicking) No, its not like that at all! I’ve got a superb memory! Look! I can recite ten pages from the London Telephone Directory by heart!
McKILT: (Unconvinced) Go on then!
BARON: Smith, Smith, Smith, Smith, Smith, Smith, (keeps on throughout the next bit of business).
SGT. FLASH: Conference lads! (They huddle in the corner)
BARON: Smith, Smith, Smith, Smith, Smith, Smith …..
SGT. FLASH: (Oozing insincerity) Look ‘ere Baron. I really don’t want to do this, but me and the lads ‘ave ‘ad a word and they insisted that I have no option but to obey Queen’s regulations and reluctantly and with great sorrow relieve you of your command! (Tears tabs from Baron’s jacket) I shall of course have to take over in the interim period!
BARON: But … but … it’s not like that, I’m not mad you know!
GORMLESS: That’s what my Uncle Ezekiel used to say – sadly, he was also rather deranged - he used to go round singing this little verse. ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic and so am I’
CARP: I don’t think I understand that, Private Gormless!
McKILT: I think he should be placed under house arrest for his own safety!
SGT. FLASH: That’s a good idea Kilty! We’’ll need a rota!
CPL. SMITH: Permission to volunteer, Captain Flash sir!
(The Baron winces at the realisation of his lost command)
SGT. FLASH: Hang on Smithy, we’re going to need a few volunteers!
CARP: Oh alright then, I’ll have a go!
GORMLESS: And me, but I don’t think I could manage all night, you see I sometimes have to go rather quickly in the early hours ....
CPL. SMITH: Permission to volunteer to draw up the rota, Captain Flash sir?
SGT. FLASH: McKilt, Carp, take him to his house and lock him up! Smithy - let me have that rota as quick as you can! Right, and if he has any lucid moments try and get him to tell you where Beauty has got to! With him out of the way, I’ll soon win her over! I’ve got his platoon, and next I shall have the hand of his daughter in marriage! I can feel a song coming on!
Gormless & Smith bring out a board with the words of the panto song on it and the platoon bully the audience into singing it with them. In context a good choice might be: ‘Zippety-do-dah!’
SGT. FLASH: Well done everybody, you’ve earned a cup of tea, I think. Platoooon, wait for it, wait for it …. dismiss!