BY DEREK DWYER AND MERLIN PRICE
BARON HARDUP'S KITCHEN
CINDERS IS DUSTING ON ONE SIDE OF STAGE. ENTER BARON, HIS WIFE EDNA STAVRO BLOWAVE AND MYOPIA & DIASTEMA (THE UGLY SISTERS).
BLOWAVE: Whatever made you think that it was a good idea to hold the interviews in the kitchen? It's so undignified .... and there are no nice soft chairs where my pussy can be comfortable! (STROKES STUFFED CAT VIGOROUSLY)
BARON: I'm sorry my precious. I thought that since this is where the footman will be spending much of his time ....
BLOWAVE: You thought? Ha! That's a joke! And another thing. (GESTURES TOWARD CINDERS) Does that idle, worthless girl have to hang around listening to everything that we say?
BARON: But my sweet, she is my daughter and I ....
BLOWAVE: Oh very well, I suppose she can stay, but she is not to say anything and on no account must any of the applicants be told that such a drab unattractive creature is anything more than a humble kitchen girl. I'd be so ashamed if anyone realized that this dowdy common girl is (SHUDDERS) a member of YOUR family!
MYOPIA: Will we be allowed to say anything Mumsy?
BLOWAVE: Of course you will my poppets! The new footman will be your servant too and must fetch and carry for you whenever you wish. Now girl (POINTS AT CINDERS) go and see if the first candidate is ready!
THEY SEAT THEMSELVES AROUND THE TABLE IN FORMAL INTERVIEW FASHION
CINDERS: Mr. Gino Dandini from Napoli
ENTER Dandini
DANDINI: Loverly laidies!!
GOES OVER TO BLOWAVE, MYOPIA & DIASTEMA. HE SEIZES BLOWAVE'S HAND
DANDINI: Ai keesa your 'and! (KISSES IT SMACKINGLY) Ai kees your 'arm! (KISSES IT EVEN MORE SMACKINGLY - BLOWAVE DROPS FAN ON FLOOR. SHE TURNS AND BENDS TO RETRIEVE IT PRESENTING POSTERIOR TO DANDINI)
DANDINI: Ai keesa your .... arghh! Waddamistaka to maika!
BLOWAVE: Oh! Get out you Neapolitan Nincompoop!
MYOPIA: Aww mummikins, I rather liked him!
DANDINI HEARS THIS AND DALLIES NEAR WINGS, WAVING COYLY
DANDINI: Loverly laidy!!
BLOWAVE: Clear orff!!
DANDINI: My mistaika!
EXITS
BLOWAVE: NEXT!
CINDERELLA: Mr. Clint Tricep!
CLINT: (EFFEMINATELY) Oooh! What a divine little bijou kichenette!!
INTERVIEWING PANEL LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER
BARON: It says here in your application that you're very versatile!
CLINT: Ooh, that's absolutely right handsome! You name it I can do it!
BARON: Hoovering?
CLINT: Er .... no! My chest's ever so delicate .... I have to rub it with camphorated oil most nights .... 'ere look ....
BARON: No, that's quite all right. Washing up?
CLINT: With these hands? You mean plunge them into hot soapy water? Destroy their velvet softness?
BARON: What about dusting?
CLINT: Oh dear heart! Are you quite mad? And me with my allergies? I have to lie down with a wet towel the moment it comes on me!
BARON: I thought you said if I named it you could do it?
CLINT: Oh yes ducky .... but you haven't named it yet!
BLOWAVE: These allergies .... are you alright with animals?
CLINT: Yes, yes, all except creatures of a feline persuasion!
BLOWAVE: You mean you don't like pussies?
CLINT: Arghh! A cat!! EXITS SNEEZING
BLOWAVE: Thank goodness he's gone. He would have been most unsuitable! Girl .... bring in the next one!
BUTTONS SWEEPS IN.
BUTTONS: The name's Buttons .... James Buttons!
THEY ALL CAST THEIR GLANCES OVER HIM
MYOPIA & DIASTEMA: Oooooooh!
CINDERS NODS VIOLENTLY AT BARON.
BLOWAVE: What is the matter with that girl? Buttons .... you could be one of my beaux any day! Horace! Give him the job!
SONG: BUTTONS & BEAUX?
BARON: I suppose we ought to discuss the money with you.
BUTTONS: Well sir, you just name a figure, I'm sure it'll be suitable.
BARON: Well - shall we say loan me a tenner till the end of the month?
BUTTONS: That wasn't quite what I had in mind!
BARON: In that case make it twenty!
BUTTONS FUMBLES IN POCKET. HE PULLS OUT MONEY AND THE EXPLODING KEYRING THAT Q GAVE HIM. THE BARON GRABS THE MONEY. MYOPIA GRABS THE KEYRING.
MYOPIA: Ooh that's an unusual keyring .... let me keep it as a little memento of your appointment! (SLIPS IT DOWN FRONT OF DRESS INTO AMPLE BOSOM) If you want it back just whistle!
BUTTONS: (DARKLY) I might just do that!
DANDINI: (APPEARING STAGE LEFT) Hey! Wadda plaice to hide-a da keyring!
HE EMITS A LOUD WOLF WHISTLE. BUTTONS DIVES UNDER TABLE.
THE ASSEMBLED GROUP LOOK ASKANCE AT BUTTONS. HE EMERGES, AT FIRST SLIGHTLY SHEEPISHLY BUT THEN WITH GATHERING PANACHE
BUTTONS: Lucky for you I noticed quite a bit of dust on one of the table legs. I just like to demonstrate how efficient I can be in the household duties department!
BARON: Oh, quite, yes, well you'd best get settled in. Cinderella, perhaps you could get James a spot of supper and tell him all about us!
CINDERS: Oh yes Daddy (LOOKS UP AT BUTTONS ADORINGLY) I'll certainly do that!
SHE IS RUDELY PUSHED ASIDE BY BLOWAVE
BLOWAVE: That's enough tittle tattle from you girl! Get outside and dust down the dahlias! Now Jimjams, you and me are going to have a naice little tait a tait! ....
SHE GRASPS HIM BY THE ARM AND EXITS FORCEFULLY. THE UGLY SISTERS FOLLOW.
CINDERELLA LOOKS DOWNCAST
BARON: Aye-up our Cinderella, things will get better I promise you. Your new mother hasn't quite got settled to our ways yet. I'm sure you and your two step-sisters Myopia and Diastema will become as close as can be. It'll just need a bit of time for us all to get used to one another!
CINDERS: (SOTTO VOCE) Not if I can help it! (TO BARON) Oh I'll try my best Daddy! I know you've had a hard time lately, and with all your money troubles too.
SONG: YOU'VE GOT YOUR TROUBLES, I'VE GOT MINE? (DUET)
BARON: Don't forget, give it time, it'll all sort itself out. Now I'd better rescue that Buttons chappie before Edna makes him change his mind about the job. EXITS
CINDERELLA SIGHS AND SLUMPS DOWN. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
CINDERS: Who is it?
DANDINI: Itsa me! Lissen lovely laidy I've-a gotta talk to you!
CINDERS: Oh dear, but Mr. Dandini, the job has gone. I'm afraid there's nothing else for you to do at the moment.
DANDINI: Don'ta worry deara laidy! I already gotta job. I'm-a worka for the Prince. He tellsa me, "Dandini, you go out to alla the beeg houses and looka for all the lovely laidies." Then he says, "We'ra gonna holda the beeg Ball and invita them all. From alla thesa laidies," he says, "I'ma gonna choosa my wife!"
CINDERS: Oh how exciting! So that's why you applied for the job! And now you're going to invite my step mother and my two step sisters to the Ball?
DANDINI: You musta be joking! Just 'cos I gotta the feathers onna my hat, it don'ta maka me da bird brain! .... I'm-a gonna invita YOU to da Ball!
CINDERS: Oh! Mr.Dandini! I just don't believe it!
DANDINI: Leave itta to me! The invitation he will be in a da post firsta thing tomorrow morning! Oh de Prince he willa be over de moon when he sets his eyes on you! And now lovely laidy .... I keesa your 'and! (KISSES IT WITH A FLOURISH) Caio bambina! (EXITS WITH FLOURISH OF FINGER KISSES) .... Worra lovely laidy!
ENTER JAMES BUTTONS SMEARED WITH LIPSTICK KISSES, CLOTHES DISHEVELLED & TIE ASKEW.
CINDERS: Whatever happened to you?
BUTTONS: I disagreed with something that ate me!
CINDERS: Oh come and sit down and have a cup of tea. (TEA-MAKING BUSINESS)
BUTTONS: I thought I heard voices. Was it anyone I should have dealt with?
CINDERS: (FLUSTERED) Oh, no, nobody at all, well, that's to say, umm, no-one in particular, er, well, no-one really important, well he was really, er it was only SENOR DANDINI, THE PRINCE'S PERSONAL ENVOY!!!!!
BUTTONS: Oh that's all right then (TURNS DISMISSIVELY TO HIS CUPPA)
CINDERS: (FLOUNCING A BIT) So you're not interested in what he wanted then?
BUTTONS: Should I be?
CINDERS: He only offered me an invitation to the Beeg Ball, er, I mean the Big Ball that the Prince is going to hold in order to choose his bride!
BUTTONS: That's wonderful Cinderella. You're so beautiful, he's bound to be bowled over by your charms! (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE) If the Prince marries Cinderella, Blowave's plan to get her hands on the land will come to nought! Excellent! I must radio M. and tell him of these events. Cinderella MUST marry the Prince!
(TO CINDERS) Will you excuse me? I must go and make myself presentable before your father sends for me. (EXITS STEALTHILY PULLING A PORTABLE PHONE FROM HIS POCKET)
CINDERELLA: And I'm going to get my Epilady out and do my legs!
CURTAINS CLOSE