BY DEREK DWYER AND MERLIN PRICE
SCENE ONE
A street market scene at the DOCKSIDE in old London Town. Stalls, street vendors crying their wares (Rose-seller, milkmaid, knife-grinder, strawberry-seller, etc) Back cloth shows sailing ship berthed in background.
Two rats enter and steal items from a stall. They are unsuccessfully shooed away by the stall holder.
Enter the Cat who sums up the situation at a glance and chases away the rats. He is rewarded by the stall holder with a large fish bone. A beautiful girl befriends the cat and strokes him. This girl is none other than Alice Fitzwarren.
SONG: WHO WILL BUY?
During the song Dick wanders onto the stage in search of Cat. He is smitten by Alice's beauty, and joins in the song.
Vendors return to their stalls. Alice remains stroking the cat.
DICK: Tiddles! I've been looking for you everywhere! So this is London. Where all the streets are paved with gold! Well I've been looking these last five hours and I haven't seen a sign of any gold!
The cat scurries under a stall and emerges with a string of nine carrots which he hands to Dick
DICK: What's this? Oh I see! Nine carats! Very good Tiddles. (He turns to Alice) I'm sorry about Tiddles. He's really quite clever. In fact the other day he reckoned he could actually talk!
ALICE: Talk? I've never heard of a cat that could talk!
DICK: Say something to the lady Tiddles
CAT SHAKES HEAD
DICK: Oh, c'mon now Tiddles. You can do it! Go on!
CAT SHAKES HEAD VIOLENTLY
DICK: Tiddles! You know how to talk don't you!
TIDDLES: Me...how?
DICK: (Beaming proudly) There! I told you!
CAT PUFFS OUT CHEST AND BLOWS ON NAILS AND RUBS CHEST.
ALICE: Well, you are a clever cat ! (She holds out her hand) My name is Alice Fitzwarren. Won't you introduce me to your friend ?
DICK: Oh, I am sorry, my name is Dick Whittington. Tiddles and I have come to London to seek our fortune.
ALICE: Perhaps I can help you both. You see, my daddy is Alderman Fitzwarren. He's a merchant and I'm sure he'd be happy to offer a job to two of my friends !
DICK: Oh, that's wonderful !
ALICE: That he'll offer you a job?
DICK: No! That you would think of me as a friend! (He sighs)
TIDDLES: (Rubbing against Alice & Dick) Meowww!
ALICE: Oh .... and you too Tiddles! I wouldn't forget you!
SONG: FRIENDSHIP?
Enter Alderman Fitzwarren
FITZWARREN: Alice! Alice! Where is that girl?
ALICE: Here I am Daddy!
FITZWARREN: Alice! I've been looking for you everywhere! There's inefficiency in the emporium! I mean, there's mayhem in the merchandising!
ALICE: Speak English Daddy!
FITZWARREN: The shop's up the chute!
ALICE: Oh! But I thought your assistant was in charge?
FITZWARREN: He's exited with the emoluments! I mean, he's skedaddled with the spondulicks!
ALICE: Daddy!
FITZWARREN: Oh! er! He's made off with the money! What am I going to do? I can't leave the organization without operatives! I mean, I can't leave the forum without factotums!
ALICE: Dad!
FITZWARREN: Ah! I mean, I can't leave the store without servants! And not only that, but we're riddled with rodents, I mean, the vicissitudes we've got with vermin!
DICK: Oh, you mean ....
FITZWARREN: Exactly, we're rotten with rats!
ALICE: But Daddy, I think I've got the answer to both your problems!
FITZWARREN: You mean you have the resolution of the infestation, AND the administration of the organization, er .... he'll do it all?
ALICE: Well, him and Tiddles
TIDDLES: (Looking bemused) Me ... how?
FITZWARREN: There's not a second to squander, I mean, not a minute to misappropriate, er ... let's get on with it! Follow me my boy! The cat can find its own way!
TIDDLES: Me .... how?
EXIT ALL
ENTER ARFUR (THE RAT) AND HIS MINDER, TAIL, TO 'MINDER' MUSIC
ARFUR: Right, Tail my son, you bein' new to the job, it's my duty to fill you in on bein' on the firm here in Old London Town. I'm an honest trader I am. When I do business with yer punter he gets me hand and me heart. Mind you he'd rather have a receipt and a guarantee, but yer can't have everything now can you? The commercial world is based on trust, my son. If you eat the lunch yer pay the bill. This is the trust between employer and employee.
'Ere, Tail, my son, that reminds me, That special relationship between employer and employed means I'm in a position to put sumfink good in your direction, if you know what I mean.
TAIL: Wot, Arfur?
ARFUR: (Opens coat to reveal a string of very cheap digital watches) These are yer actual exquisite, kosher hand-crafted digital chronometers, manufactured by them cunning oriental gentlefolk from the strange far-off land of Casio, wherever that is. Now I'm goin' to be knockin' these out at five sovs a piece, and who's goin' to want yer Rolex after they've set eyes on these, these are the genuine executive model for the upwardly mobile, my son. Just like Geoffrey Robinson wears!
TAIL: (Examining one briefly before Arfur snatches it back) But it's got My Little Pony on it!
ARFUR: You, my son, have not been perusing the international trade journals like what I have. I have it on the best authority that no chevalier d'industry (Says this in a totally anglicized way) would be seen dead wivout one of these next to his Filofax. And for you Tail, I'll take 3 sovs, (quickly) no .. no .. I know what you're goin' to say. How can I afford to lose out on such a deal, but like I always say, blood's thicker than water, 'Er indoors has got a soft spot for you Tail, and I promised 'er I'd look after yer. (Hands watch over to Tail) I'll take it out of yer first week's wages.
(To audience) By the way, some people say I employ a MINDER. What a ridiculous word wiv its connotations of violence and muscle! Tail here is my EMPLOYEE, merely an invoice chaser, a RE-minder that certain people wot owe me money 'ave obligations.
Now then my son, you get round to Alderman Fitzwarren's emporium and remind him that unless he pays that monkey he owes me for insurance, a slight calamity might accidentally befall his business. So he'd better reach into his bin and fork out the readies, even if he is boracic, otherwise he might get a spanking! Tell 'im he's got twenty-four hours ....'ere, what's the time now then?
TAIL: (Consults his Little Pony watch) Forty-three seventeen Arfur. (Shakes it, puzzled)
ARFUR: (Quickly) Well there yer go Tail my son, one of the features of that timepiece is the ability to provide an instant read-out of the ambient temperature in degrees centigrade.
TAIL: (Partly convinced, but still gazing at watch with some doubts) Oh .. er .. right Arfur. Now this 'ere Alderman geezer. Wot's he done wrong then boss?
ARFUR: He's definitely out of order! He'd got a nice little earner, fillin' up his Jack and Jill ....
TAIL: What?
ARFUR: Jack and Jill ..... till! When I first knew him, he had this fruit and veg stall, up in the morning, four o'clock, shlepping to the market, a few sacks o' the King Edwards, two boxes of spring onions and a bag o' cauliflowers and you're in business! No VAT on the fruit and you're half way to Marbella. But he got fancy ideas, Tail boy! BUPA, veneered sideboard from MFI, his own ship and an Alderman's chain round his Gregory.
TAIL: Gregory?
ARFUR: Gregory Peck .... neck!
TAIL: Well wot do I say to him Arfur?
ARFUR: (Whistles. Enter two punk rats. They are wearing Little Pony watches which they glance at suspiciously very now and then) You tell him unless he does right by us then the girls 'ere is goin' to pay a little visit to his warehouse! 'Er indoors reckons they're eatin' us out of house and home, and I'm sure they could be very much at home in a nice cosy warehouse full of comestibles!
Right then, get over to Alderman Fitzwarren's and put the frighteners on 'im!
PUNK RAT 1: 'Ere Uncle Arfur, them watches you flogged us .... mine says forty three seventeen.
ARFUR: SHHHH!! (He glances at his watch) Yeah, that's right. Double British Summer Time innit!
PUNK RAT 2: Oh, right Uncle Arfur!
(EXIT Tail & punks)
ARFUR: (Aside to audience) I got a feelin' this could be just the start! Today I make an Alderman an offer he can't refuse. Who knows, tomorrow I could 'ave the Lord Mayor of London hisself dancin' to my tune. (Leers at audience) All I gotta do is shift another ten gross of these dodgy clocks and then I'll be laughin' all the way to the Bank!
SONG: To tune of, YOU'VE GOT TO PICK A POCKET OR TWO
In this life, one thing counts,
In the bank, large amounts
(OPENS COAT TO REVEAL WATCHES)
I'm afraid these ain't Japanese
I've got to flog a wristwatch or two
I've got to flog a wristwatch or two, lads
I've got to flog a wristwatch or two.
These watches here don't tell the time
But to me that ain't no crime
I'm afraid these ain't got batt-ries
I've got to shift a timepiece or two
I've got to shift a timepiece or two, guvs,
I've got to shift a timepiece or two
In my lock-up dahn the docks
That's where I've got tons of clocks
I'm afraid these ain't built to please
But I've got to flog a wristwatch or two
I've got to flog a wristwatch or two, pals,
I've got to flog a wristwatch or two
Mr. Chisholm down the nick
Reckons rozzers ain't all thick
But I'll tell you, he's bought one too!
I'm laughin' all the way to the bank,
I'm laughin' all the way to the bank, my sons,
I'm laughin' all the way to the bank!
EXITS TRIUMPHANTLY COUNTING REMAINING WATCHES INSIDE COAT.
CURTAIN