JACK AND THE BEANSTALK
CAST LIST
(In order of appearance)
| Dame Edna Trot | a widow left destitute by the loss of her husband |
| Idle Jack | her oldest son |
| Simple Simon | her youngest son, she found him on a doorstep |
| Esmeralda | the cow |
| Ted E. Baron | he owns the cottage and wants to evict the Dame and her sons |
| Terminator One | big, tough and strong with a German accent |
| Terminator Two | pink, frilly and very camp |
| Milkman (or woman) | a walk-on part |
| Deirdre | an environmental protester |
| Daphne | a newly recruited protester and a bit wet |
| Mrs Mop | the giant's housekeeper |
| A. Giant (Alice) | an equal opportunities giant |
| Meg the hen | lays salmonella-free golden eggs |
| Children | as many as you like |
| B.U.L.L. Operative 1 | wants to buy the cow |
| B.U.L.L. Operative 2 | his/her colleague |
| Ivor Bucket | a man of the soil .... and still wearing some of it |
| Andy McTrowel | Ivor & Andy also want to buy Esmeralda |
| Al Kazeltza | a catering racketeer |
| Anne Chovey | Al's moll / sidekick |
| Motorway Catering Services Rep.1 | a typical bureaucrat |
| Motorway Catering Services Rep.2 | they clone them you know |
| Spud-U-Love Representative | dressed in a giant potato costume |
| Spice Rack Girl 1 | haut couture for the age of girl power |
| Spice Rack Girl 2 | Victoria Beckham's dress-sense with attitude |
| Killer Black | a shrill Liverpool accent that can shatter glass |
The cast list is flexible. Some of the characters
(like Deirdre and Daphne or
the Motorway Catering Services Representatives) are not essential
to the plot
and can be left out if you haven't enough actors or want to
shorten the performance.
Some parts can be played as a male or a female without any loss of effect. However, the Dame is traditionally played in drag. Idle Jack is ideally a principal boy in fishnet tights and Terminator Two's camp comedy isn't funny unless delivered by a man.
The Milkman, the two B.U.L.L. operatives, Andy McTrowel, the two Motorway Catering Services reps and the Spu-U-Love rep. could all be either gender without any significant change to the script.
THE PLOT
The Dame's cottage is on the route of a proposed six-lane bypass. (If you have one planned locally, use that. Otherwise choose the quietest, prettiest and least trafficked place in your area and invent a bypass scheme for it.) Why not put a form on the back of your programmes so that the audience can sign a petition against the road scheme?
Ted E. Baron wants to evict Dame Trot and her boys so that he can build a service area on the land. He hires the Terminators as bailiffs.
To raise the rent, the Dame and her sons sell the cow, but not before a strange procession of bidders have visited the cottage and the Dame has received (in her bottom) a syringe full of tranquilizer meant for the cow!
Simple Simon plants the beans that they get for the cow and Jack climbs the beanstalk. He is almost frightened away by the booming voice and blood-curdling threats of an unseen giant.
Back down in the cottage, Ted E. Baron and his bailiffs are interviewing prospective sub-contractors for the motorway catering contract. There are some very odd characters.
Jack discovers that the giant has died and the family business is being carried on by his pretty and diminutive daughter Alice. Jack and Alice fall in love (there's an unusual twist) and together they return to frighten away the Terminators. They pay the rent with a golden egg laid by the giant's hen.
The Dame (dressed by Spice Rack plc) is a contestant in Killer Black's 'Blind Date'. She chooses Ted E. Baron (who is hidden behind the partition) and they agree to tie the knot.
Everybody lives happily ever after.