DAME TROT: Oooh, the queue in Price Fixers! Do
you know, I don't think I've seen so many people together in one place since the landlord at the
Pig and Rollerskate banged his head on a beam and started shouting, "The drinks are on the
house!"
It wouldn't have been so bad, but there was only one checkout open - and that was the baskets only, less than six items, no cheques accepted without references one. Now where are those two idle, shiftless sons of mine? They could help me to carry this shopping! Shopping did I say? More like borrowing! I haven't had two pennies to rub together since I lost me old man. I'm that worried! My landlord, Ted E. Baron wants to turn me out of my cottage, and I can't afford to pay the rent! Oh, here comes my eldest boy Jack now.
JACK: Hello Mum! You shouldn't be carrying all that heavy shopping by yourself!
DAME TROT: (Aside) Oh, what a kind, thoughtful boy!
JACK: Hang on a minute, Simon's right behind me, - he'll carry it for you!
DAME TROT: I idolise that boy .... that's why everyone calls him idle Jack!
(Enter Simple Simon, leading Esmeralda the
cow. He is singing in a cracked voice)
SIMPLE SIMON: Oh, give me a home, where the buffalo
roam, and the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word ...
DAME TROT: This is Simon. A nice lad, but a bit lacking in the upstairs department.
SIMPLE SIMON: (repeats) .... a discouraging
word!
DAME TROT: Where have you been you great twit?
SIMPLE SIMON: 'Ere Mum, I've been busy!
DAME TROT: Busy? Busy? Don't make me laugh! What were you doing?
SIMPLE SIMON: I entered Esmeralda in the local pet show!
JACK: And did she win?
SIMPLE SIMON: Well, she won the class for pet cows! (cow nods head and preens)
DAME TROT: And how many pet cows were entered?
SIMPLE SIMON: Er, not many ... (cow shakes head)
JACK: How many?
SIMPLE SIMON: Er, a very small number actually .... (cow nods)
DAME TROT: HOW MANY?
SIMPLE SIMON: Er .. One!
JACK: What did the judges say about her?
SIMPLE SIMON: One judge said she sagged in the middle!
(cow sags. Jack and DT turn to look at cow,
who immediately straightens.)
SIMPLE SIMON: And another judge said she was knock-kneed! (cow becomes knock-kneed, but straightens when Jack and DT turn to look.)
SIMPLE SIMON: And one judge said that she was the finest cow he'd ever seen! (cow swaggers)
DAME TROT: We must invite him round sometime!
SIMPLE SIMON: I did! He said he'd come .... if his guide dog can find the way! (cow sags again)
DAME TROT: Never mind Simon. Give me a hand with
this shopping, and I'll make you both a nice cup of tea. Come on now ....
They go into the cottage. Enter Ted E. Baron
TED: A fine turn up for the book this
is ....
me, Ted E. Baron, me what owns all that yer eye can see, standin' out here in front of my
own cottage. Fer years and years all this land has been worthless .... then suddenly they want
to build a bypass, and where do they want to put it? On my land! A license to print money,
I could be richer than dreams of avarice.
But can I sell the lease to 'em? No! And why
not? Cos that bloomin' old crone Dame Edna Trot and her two good fer nothin' sons are livin'
in a cottage slap bang in the middle of the fast lane! So, in order to hexpedite the development
of this desirable and much sought-after property, I have hired a firm of consultants
whose sole business is to explain in a diplomatic and decorous manner, the very positive advantages
of vacatin' the said property p.d.q.. These two gentlemen are the essence of tact,
diplomacy and gentility. Dame Edna Trot will be totally unable to resist their charm an' blandishments!
Now, by chance, I 'ave arranged to meet them 'ere today for a final briefin'.
There is a loud explosion. Terminator 1 bursts through the motorway sign. He is dressed in typical terminator gear, black body armour etc. and brandishes a bazooka sized gun with lots of attachments. (He is an Arnold Schwartzenegger clone). As he clambers through the wreckage of the sign he is seen to be talking to his colleague.
TERMINATOR1: Ach! Ziss vay Terminator 2. Und next time set your thermonuclear bazooka on a higher setting. Not all ze metal has melted! .... Do you understand T2? .... T2? .... vere are you T2?
He clambers back through the sign and heaves out a diminutive camp T2 dressed in a shocking pink terminator outfit with frills and a handbag.
TERMINATOR2: Ooh, I think I've just snagged me tights on that nasty metal sign!
TERMINATOR1: Look, Terminator Two, are you sure you could kill .... a man?
TERMINATOR2: (Pensive) Ooh, well .... perhaps .... eventually!
TED: 'Ere, who's that wimp? I didn't order 'im!
TERMINATOR1: Vimp! Vimp you say! Terminator Two is ze bane of three galaxies! Single handedly he defeated ze sofa eating monster from ze planet Dralon .... ze plushest spot in ze known universe! - Only last veek he vas having an invitation to join ze Chippendales!
TED: Chippendales? Are you sure you don't mean Chipper fields?
TERMINATOR2: Cheek! I've not been feeling well lately! Ooh, I've had this pounding headache for days .... I could do with a paracetamol and a nice lie down.
TED: Listen, I don't want any messin' about .... what can you do to old women and children?
TERMINATOR1: Oh ja, I loff zer children. But I could not eat a whole von! Ho! Ho!
TERMINATOR2: He's a great big softy really.
TERMINATOR1: Oh no, I'm not.
TERMINATOR2: Yes you are.
TERMINATOR1: Not.
TERMINATOR2: Are. Only last week you were paid to do a hit and run on Old Widow Twankee and her 15 kids. And what did you do? Bought them all an ice cream 'cos you'd splashed them while they waited to cross the road.
TERMINATOR1: Shott op, you!
TED: Now you get yerselves over to Trot's cottage and persuade her that unless she wants her poor dead 'usband to be a widower (double takes all round) she'd best 'and over the deeds p.d.q..
TERMINATOR1: Ve are on our vay. Terminator Two, go und start ze Skoda.
TERMINATOR2: Got the key then?
TERMINATOR1 gives him a giant clockwork key from round his neck. T2 exits.
SFX: loud sounds of clockwork being wound up
TERMINATOR1: Now tell me, Baron Von Teddy, vere exactly iss ze cottage of Frau Trott?
TED: Well actually ..... you're standin' right outside it! So get on wiv it! (He exits).
TERMINATOR1: Come back Terminator Two, zere is no need for ze Skoda, here is vere ve are goink! (T2 re-enters) Knock on ze door.
TERMINATOR2: Ooh all right, but I've not been well!
I've had this dreadful rash all over me wrists and it's made them go all limp! (he knocks)
The door opens outwards and wipes them off the doorstep. As they lie on the ground SS emerges and stares myopically around.
SIMPLE SIMON: Funny, I could have sworn someone knocked. (closes door).
TERMINATOR1: Here, out of ze way, I vill deal viz this! (knocks) Open up in ze name of ze Terminator!
The door again opens outward and again wipes T1 and T2 off the step.
SIMPLE SIMON: Funny, it must have been the same person who wasn't there last time! (he closes the door).
SFX: Screech of brakes, clink of bottles etc. as milkman arrives.
MILKMAN: (Knocks on door) Milko!
JACK: (opens door INWARDS) Oh hello! Two pints please milkman.
MILKMAN: I don't understand why you have to buy milk when you've got a cow.
JACK: It's for the cow! She drinks two pints every day! Thank you.
MILKMAN: Cheerio then, see you tomorrow.
As JACK closes the door T1 and T2 climb to their feet looking meaningfully at each other and advance on the door. They knock.
TERMINATOR1: Milko! SS opens the door OUTWARDS and wipes them both off the step again.