MOTHER GOOSE
Sample Scene 1:
Outside MG’s cottage. Enter Jim & Jill. Villagers song and dance to “Something Tells Me” or “It’s a Happy Day”. Enter MG who starts picking flowers.
MG Well, what are you all staring at? If I’ve got to leave, I’m not leaving without my flowers.
JIM But where are you going?
MG Never you mind. Go on, off with you. Of course, if you want to help me pack me bags you’re more than welcome. Not that there’s much to pack mind you, but me backs playing me up. I think me long lines have slipped. Of course at the mention of the word work my Jack’s soon disappeared. Off kanoodlin’ again I suppose. Oooh me back.
JILL But where are you going? It’s a bit early for a holiday isn’t it?
MG Holiday ? HOLIDAY ? I can’t afford a holiday. I can’t raise enough money to buy stamps for begging letters. I have to get a bank loan to spend a penny.
JILL Well where are you going then? Surely you’re not leaving us.
MG You’re so naive Jill. I’ve got to leave. I’ve got bills that are so old, they were carved in stone. The larders have been empty for so long that the mice are moving out. To top it all the Baron’s coming round this morning with the police. I owe that Baron more rent than I like to think. It’s no good talking about it. I’ve got to go and that’s all there is to it. It’s a park bench in Milton House gardens for me from now on.
JIM There, there Mother Goose. Y’know every cloud has a silver lining.
MG
JIM Oh well, then. Come on you lot. The chippy will be closed soon.
Exit JIM & JILL & Villagers.
MG: Oh hello, boys and girls. Try again shall I. Hello boys and girls (get them to shout back Hello Mother Goose). Hello, is anyone out there? All asleep are we? (Resorts to various methods for waking up audience such as throwing sweets out to them). Yes, it’s true. That nasty Baron Grabitall is trying to throw me out of my house, just because I missed paying my rent for a month or two. Alright, I haven’t paid any rent for the last 6 years, but I still don’t think he should get away with throwing me out, do you? (Expect “No”). I’ll tell you what – will you help me, boys and girls. Good. I’m just going inside to give my goose her dinner. Whenever you see the Baron coming, will you boo him. That way, we’ll let him know what we think, won’t we. (Try it). Good. See you later boys and girls.
Exit MG (in to house). Crashing off stage. Enter Horace and Alf after simulated ‘accident’ off stage)
HORACE I told you to watch where you were going. I’m sure we hit somebody you clot.
ALF But you were driving Horace.
HORACE How could I have been driving, pin-brain, I was asleep.
ALF That’s funny, so was I. I wonder what we hit.
Enter Baron Grabitall, looking worse for wear.
BARON (hands over bent steering wheel). Excuse me, but is this yours? Such dangerous driving. I should get the police on you.
ALF (Horace & Alf look very uncomfortable) Er yes. Thanks very much. Er, I don’t suppose you’ve seen the rest of the car have you?
BARON What did it look like?
HORACE Well, it was white, with an orange strip, a blue flashing light on top, and er says, P.O.L.I.C.E on the side.
BARON P.O.L.I.C.E. I called in the police to help me, not to try and kill me. Are you the best they could send.
HORACE Oh yes. The rest of the station were sent on a mission which is such a matter of life and death only we could be spared.
BARON What was that.
ALF Watching Stoke play Vale.
HORACE Now your Baronship, what did you want us to meet here for. .
BARON It’s the old woman. She’s got to go this time or I’ll have to kick her out ..... won’t you.
ALF Yes. -
HORACE Yes what ? Oh no we won’t. We’re honest policemen, not women bashers. Why we offered to help you I can’t imagine. -
ALF Can’t imagine.
BARON Could it have been for the money I was going to pay you?
HORACE Ah, it could well have been.
ALF But Horace. That’s not honest Horace. . . .
HORACE Shut up brainless.
BARON Right, remember. All you have to do is wait until I’ve got the old goat out of the house then you nip in and grab what you can find. Then take it all out the back door. When she finds all her belongings gone she’ll have to go because she will have nothing left to pawn for money.
ALF But why should she want to sell prawns?
HORACE PAWN, you nit. It’s what people do when they’re broke. They take things and sell them to a pawn broker and are given money in exchange. When they have a bit more cash they go back to the pawn-broker and buy their own things back. See ?
ALF I don’t think I’d fancy that. .
HORACE Fancy what ?
ALF Buying broken prawns.
HORACE I give up. Right your Baronship, sir, leave it to us.
BARON Good. And keep your eye on ‘im. I don’t trust him. He’s too honest.
(Baron knocks on door M.G. replies from off stage)
MG I’ve told you before. I’ll go when I’m ready and not before. Now be off with you or I’ll set me goose on yer.
BARON Oh most impolite. (Knocks again)
MG You’ve asked for it. Go get ‘em old girl.
(Goose chases three around stage and finally sits on Baron. Horace and Alf have gone indoors)
MG That’ll teach you.
BARON But, my good woman, please listen to me. I have a plan to please everyone. You can stay here as long as you wish.
MG What! What’s that. ‘Ere my little pet, let the old Baron get up. (Goose releases Baron who gets up and dusts himself down)
BARON Yes, it’s true. Let’s talk it over.
MG All right then. Out with it. But if it’s rent money you want, you’re out of luck.
BARON But my dear woman. You don’t understand my motives. I have realised the folly of my ways and my only wish is to put things right between us.
MG The only thing I’d like to put between us is a brick wall.
BARON But you are so unkind. It has come to my attention that you are somewhat short of, er, purchasing power, and I feel it is at times like this when we gentle folks, and neighbours to boot, should get together and, er, help one another out. Now, what do you say.
MG Oooh, you’ve got me all in a fluster. And me in me dirty pinny as well. It seems I’ve been mis-understooding you all this time. Perhaps we can get together and put this behind us.
(Enter Alf and Horace, carrying Jack from house, and piles of old junk).
JACK Put me down. PUT ME DOWN!
MG And what’s going on ‘ere then.
JACK I was just having a quick forty winks, mother, when these oafs came and picked me up. PUT ME DOWN!
BARON Dear me. These men shall be severely punished for their misdeeds.
ALF But boss, you said that while we were talking to the old bag, we were to go in to the house and grab everything we could lay our mits on.
BARON Shut up, you fool.
MG (Rolling up her sleeves) So, that’s your game is it. Not content with kicking me out on me debts, you want me belongings as well. And to think I was about to take you seriously. Well, let me tell you, you, you … great jumped up, toffee nosed, flat footed, bow legged, pin toed, knock kneed son of a chipmonk, I’ll leave this house in me own good time and not before. And If I ever see your big nose around here again, I’ll …… I’ll ……… I’ll ……..
JACK Now mother. Don’t get all worked up. You know what the doctor said.
MG And you can belt up. I haven’t started on you yet. (To Baron) Now you get your good-for-nothing body out of my sight. And take Bill & Ben here with you. (Boots Baron off-stage) (To Jack) Our Jack. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you. Here I am in a time of national crisis, and what do you do … fall asleep. The only one around here I can rely on around here is me goose. (To Goose) Come to Mummy then goosey dear. Who’s a cuddly wuddley, fluffy wuffy, lovey dovey then.
JACK I’m sorry, mother. I’ll make it up to you. I’ll make lots of money one day, then I’ll get you servants and a big coach pulled with white horses and lots of ….
MG Oh Jack. Get real. What do you think this is, a pantomime? Mind you, with Tony Blair running the country, most things are. Now stop your day dreaming. ‘Ere comes your bit of stuff.
A/BELLE (Enters) Oh, I thought I was too late. You must hide. My father is on his way here with 2 policemen. He’s after his rent money. Did you give it to him?
MG Yes dear. I gave him something alright. A flea in his ear. And him and the Terrible Twosome went off, no doubt to think of some other way of getting rid of me.
A/BELLE Was that wise. You know my father can get very angry sometimes.
MG I’ve known your father of old. We used to go for long walks together when we were both at school. Oh those were the days. Me in me posh frock and ‘im in his knickerbockers. He looked a right wally then … just like he does now? I’ll put ‘im in his place alright. What does he want this cottage for, anyway?
JACK Probably to sell it to Cherie Blair. But, Annabelle’s right mother. The Baron is within his rights. If we can’t pay the rent, he can throw us out.
MG Oh we are a right goody goody aren’t we. Well if you want to go, you can. But after that little episode with Grabitall, me and me goose are staying here to fight it out the end, aren’t we goosey (cuddles up to goose).
A/BELLE I’m sorry about all this. Perhaps if I had a word with my father, it might help.
JACK I doubt it would do any good. Your father’s made his mind up and is determined to get rid of us. I’m sorry Annabelle, but I’ve got to stick it out with mother against your father.
MG Thanks our Jack, but you take Annabelle and enjoy yourself. (Exit Jack and Annabelle)
MG Ah. What it is to be young. I can remember the things I used to get up to when I was young. Can you remember the old days, goosey. Sometimes it helps to remember the good times.
Enter villagers. SONG: ‘Try to remember’ or Wouldn’t it be lovely (My Fair Lady) .
Exit villagers + goose.
MG (to audience) I wish I could think of a way to earn some money. I’m down to my last tenner. I’ve always been poor. When I was a kid, we were so poor my mum used to take the bones out of her corset to make a pot of stew. We were so poor, we used to go knocking on doors asking if we could borrow a begging bowl.
HORACE (coming nervously on to stage) Er, have you seen the Baron…
MG Baron. Why, I’ll give you baron (approaches him menacingly). Hang on a minute. You could do me a favour. Tell me, were you clever at school?
HORACE Me? Clever? I was the teacher’s pet. She used to keep me in a cage at the back of the room.
MG Well, if you can answer me a simple question, you could win some money.
HORACE That sounds a good idea. Tell me how I can win some money.
MG Well I bet you £10 that you can’t tell me what five plus five equals.
HORACE That’s easy. I know that.
MG Well, put your money down then.
HORACE (Putting down £10) This is easy money. Five plus five is ten. You owe me £10.
MG Just a minute. You’re wrong. Five plus five is eleven.
HORACE What are you talking about. Five plus five is ten. Everyone knows that. You just ask that lot out there. Five plus five is ten, isn’t it boys and girls (repartee with audience)
MG Well, you’re all wrong, and I’ll prove to you that 5+5 is 11
HORACE Alright. Prove that 5+5 is 11.
MG It’s simple. Look. How many fingers have I got on this hand.
HORACE Easy, five.
MG And how many on this hand.
HORACE Easy, five.
MG So if this is one (holds up left thumb), then this is ten (holds up right thumb). Right.
HORACE: Right.
MG Right. So 10,9,8,7,6 (counts down on right hand) and five more make eleven. There you are, 5+5 is 11. Ta. (takes money and exits.)
HORACE What a swindle. Now I need to get my money back. (enter Alf). Aah, here comes a sucker. Hi, Alf, how would you like to win £10.
ALF Sounds great. What do I have to do.
HORACE Simple, just put £10 here, and tell me the answer to a simple problem. If you get it right, I’ll give you £10, otherwise I’ll keep your £10.
ALF Sounds OK to me (gets out £10). What’s the problem.
HORACE Easy, just tell me what 5+5 is.
ALF That’s easy. It’s 10.
HORACE Sorry, the answer’s 11. And I’ll prove it to you. (Goes through same routine as MG). There, you owe me £10. Thanks. (takes money and exits).
ALF There’s something wrong somewhere. I’ll have to try this out on someone else.
Enter MG
ALF Oh, Mother Goose. How would you like to win £10.
MG That’s very kind of you. Do you realise that food has gone up to nearly £12 per bottle. Tell me how I can win £10.
ALF It’s easy. All you have to do is answer a simple question. If you get it right, I’ll give you £10, if you get it wrong, you owe me £10. OK? (Alf gets out another £10).
MG OK. What’s the question.
ALF Simple. What is 5+5.
MG That’s easy, I can answer that. It’s fifteen.
ALF No it’s not. It’s eleven.
MG Rubbish. And I’ll prove it. Look. How many fingers have I got on this hand.
ALF Easy, five.
MG And how many on this hand.
ALF Easy, five.
MG So if this is one (holds up left thumb), then this is ten (holds up right thumb). Right.
ALF: Right.
MG Right. So 6,7,8,9,10 (counts up on right hand) and five more make fifteen. There you are, 5+5 is 15. Bye. (takes money and exits; Alf exits shaking his head)
MG (re-enters with goose) Well, goosey, that should pay the Tesco bill for another couple of days.
Enter Fairy. MG Does double take
MG Oh no, I’m seeing things now. What is it goosey. Something from the adverts on telly, or Malcolm Weatherby in disguise. (Fairy looks disgruntled). Alright, don’t lose your wing feathers. Your just a bit late with all this magicalicle stuff. I’m beyond saving. Me and me goose ‘ere just want to fade out gracefully.
FAIRY It’s never too late Mother Goose. Everything will turn out right in the end.
MG That’s what our Jack says when he puts his undies on inside out.
FAIRY You must take me seriously or my magic will have no effect.
MG I’m sorry love, but it’s all a bit far fetched. It’s as daft as expecting Crewe Alex to win the FA cup.
FAIRY But my magic is already at work. Before this story ends you will have more riches than you could possibly wish for, but to get them you must travel to high places.
MG You mean … Mow Cop?
FAIRY Have trust in me, and if you should want me again, just wish for me. My name is Nuff.
MG Fair enough. (Exit Fairy). Fairies indeed. What did you reckon to her, goosey. (Goose gets all excited). (To audience) Chase anything in feathers this one. Still, I wonder what she meant when she said her magic was already working? Oh well, goosey, let’s go back inside. No doubt the law will be back soon.
Curtain