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BY DEREK DWYER AND MERLIN PRICE
ACT 1, Scene 3: The Town Hall.
A vast Gothic Building with extensive carving by Grinling Gibbons. Furniture arranged for an interview.
ENTER PUSHCART, NOSTRADAMUS & THE MAYOR
NOSTRADAMUS: Ah, what an auspicious day for selecting the man who will solve all of our problems. The heavens are smiling on our machinations and I am certain that the portents will be excellent.
PUSHCART: Poor tents? Poor tents? Are you getting at my millenium dome again? 'Cos if you are, I'll ........
MAYOR: Now, now gentlemen, let's not bicker. We've got a lot of work to do. This could take a while to sort out. I hope there won't be too many disappointed pest control operatives at the end of the day. How many applications have we received, Councillor Nostradamus?
NOSTRADAMUS: Well, including this one from P. Piper and Son ..... a grand total of ....one!
PUSHCART: By heck! Nobody wants to work these days! Scroungers the lot of 'em. Rather live in't village workhouse wouldn't they, than turn their hands to good honest toil. When I were a lad I used to get up before the sun and shovel coal for six hours before havin' a breakfast of stale bread washed down wi' the remains of last week's bath water but it never did me any 'arm.
MAYOR: (Ignoring him) What do we know about this P. Piper?
NOSTRADAMUS: Oh, he has excellent credentials Your Worship. Some of the names on his resume read like a who's who of royalty and high office.
MAYOR: For instance?
NOSTRADAMUS: Well, there's the Grand Vizier of Constantinople for one, and there's the Crown Prince of Duodecahedron, and not forgetting Mrs Emily Sproggs and her nasty outbreak of Chrysanthemum leaf wilt!
MAYOR: Chrysanthemum leaf wilt eh? My Charlie reckons that's a really serious problem. If he can fix that, he can probably fix anything! We'd better apoint him.
PUSHCART: Hold on a minute! We're here to do an interview an' that's what's going to 'appen ........ 'appen. We need to delve further into 'is credentials! Nozzer, go and see if he's without.
NOSTRADAMUS: Without what?
PUSHCART: Oh, strike a light! Just see if he's outside.
NOSTRADAMUS: Oh, yes! (Holds hands to head in predictive trance) - he's in the waiting room now. He's sitting on the chair by the door. He's reading page 17 of 'Homes and Gardens'. And he's wearing (describes costume accurately.) He has a young lad with him, similarly dressed.
PUSHCART: By crikey! I've doubted your powers of clairvoyance in the past, but I've got to admit you've surpassed yourself this time! 'Ow could you possibly know all that?
NOSTRADAMUS: Oh it was easy really! I passed him on the way in!
MAYOR: Oh for crying out loud! Go and wheel him in.
THE MAYOR & PUSHCART SIT BEHIND THE TABLE
NOSTRADAMUS EXITS & REAPPEARS LEADING PIED PIPER & TOM
PUSHCART: Come in and take a seat.
MAYOR: Now then, you must be the Pied Piper. (Turns to Tom.) And what's your name young man?
TOM: Tom.
PUSHCART: Tom?
NOSTRADAMUS: The piper's son!
PUSHCART: Your not the one who ....
PIED PIPER: No! He's never had any trouble with pigs in his life.
NOSTRADAMUS: However did you know he was going to ask you about pigs?
PIED PIPER: (Sarcastic) Predictions are a little hobby of mine.
NOSTRADAMUS: (Oblivious) Oh, how interesting! We must get together some time and compare notes. I have an interesting treatise on the role of the newly discovered Galilean telescope in predicting romantic liaisons written by an old Italian Astrologer called Giovanni di Voyeuristico.
MAYOR: Now then Mr. Piper, we'd just like to ask you a few questions about your previous experience as a pest control operative.
PUSHCART: It says 'ere you did some work for an Indian Rajah. What exactly was the nature of his problem?
TOM: Oooh Daddy, wasn't that the gentleman who had the plague of boils?
PIED PIPER: Yes, that's right. A particularly difficult case. He contracted boils after being cursed by an old fakir.
PUSHCART: And where exactly did he have these boils?
PIED PIPER: Well ......
THEY ALL LEAN CLOSER
PIED PIPER: It was somewhere in the region of .....
THEY MOVE EVEN CLOSER
PIED PIPER: The Khyber Pass!
PUSHCART: Oh! The poor feller! I bet that were reet painful. Did I ever tell you about that cream the doctor gave me when I had a similar problem?
MAYOR: Several times!
PUSHCART: Oh!
NOSTRADAMUS: May I point out that the Khyber pass is a narrow passage ........
PUSHCART: Yes that's the one I .......
NOSTRADAMUS: (Loudly) a narrow passage between Pakistan and Afghanistan.
PUSHCART: Ah!
MAYOR: Was it you that single-handedly purged Buckingham Palace of fuse-box wallahs?
PIED PIPER: No! Not me. That must have been somebody else.
NOSTRADAMUS: I do see from your application that you cleared an infestation of cockroaches from the kitchens of the Royal Palace of Mandelsonia, before the place was even paid for.
TOM: Yes, you did Daddy, I remember that one.
NOSTRADAMUS: Tell us about your modus operandi.
PUSHCART: We 'aven't got time for chat about 'is pets! Just ask 'im 'ow 'e did it.
PIED PIPER: Ah! In that instance I found the use of my recorder to be most efficacious.
PUSHCART: I were a dab 'and on the recorder at school. After only two years of lessons I could play the first two bars of 'Greensleeves' wi' no problems whatsoever. (Confidentially) you don't happen to 'ave it about yer reet now do yer? I could give yer a quick tootle.
PIED PIPER: Here you are. (Reaches into his bag and pulls out a high tech mini-disc recorder.) I used this to synthesize high frequency sound waves which drove the insects from their nests and out of the palace.
TOM: Like this? (pushes a button.)
SFX: La Cucuracha ........ A la multi-toned car horns.
PUSHCART: That doesn't sound anything like Greensleeves, I'll tell thee!
NOSTRADAMUS: La Cucuracha? That's clever. Isn't that Spanish for cockroach?
MAYOR: Gentlemen, we've heard enough. These are the men for us. I'm sure they'll do us proud. Mr Piper, you and your son have got the job! There's only one detail left ...... (turns to Pushcart) Councillor Pushcart .....
PUSHCART: Eh? Oh, Aye. (fumbles in pocket). 'Ere we are lads, and look after it reet well.
TOM: But it's just a piece of string with a hook on it.
PUSHCART: Nay, lad it's much more than that. It symbolises all t'powers and privileges given only to t'highest echelons of the council's employees.
PIED PIPER: Really? What is it?
PUSHCOTT, MAYOR & NOSTRADAMUS: It's for lifting the latch of the councillors' executive outdoor privy!
AS THEY ALL SHAKE HANDS, THE CURTAINS CLOSE.
Interval