THE PALACE BALLROOM. THE TWO GUARDS ARE STILL ON DUTY.
GUARD 1: ‘Ere sarge, ‘ow did you come to join the army?
GUARD 2: Oh, it was twenty years ago when the King declared war against Aggravania. All the able bodied men in the country got called up.
GUARD 1: Able bodied? You? Able bodied?
GUARD 2: I know, I know! At my medical I told the doctor I’d be no good as a soldier …. I’ve got one leg longer than the other.
GUARD 1: What did he say to that?
GUARD 2: He said, “Never mind lad, the ground’s very uneven where we’re sending you!”
GUARD 1: So how exactly did you get to be made a Sergeant, Sarge?
GUARD 2: I won my Sergeant’s stripes the hard way lad! I started off as a Lieutenant!
GUARD 1: Oh so you got a commission?
GUARD 2: No lad, just my salary! Mind you, my one regret was that I had but one life to give for my country!
GUARD 1: Why was that then Sarge?
GUARD 2: Well, if I’d had two I’d have felt much safer. Now my lad, I could give you a few pointers about soldierin’! First of all, never attack the enemy until you’ve secured your line of retreat. Nobody could dig a fox-hole like what I could! I once dug one so deep I was almost accused of desertion! By the way, another time I was accused of not turning up for a camouflage class – so I said to ‘em – ‘How could you be certain I wasn’t there?’
GUARD 1: How did you survive all that fightin’ then sarge?
GUARD 2: I was invalided back home for medical treatment after I got wounded.
GUARD 1: Where did you get wounded then?
GUARD 2: In the Dardanelles!
GUARD 1: Oh you poor man, that must have been really painful!
GUARD 2: Enough of this banter. Now look smart lad, you never know when the King or Queen spring a surprise inspection on us. Now how’s that new uniform of yours? Fit alright does it?
GUARD 1: (WHOSE UNIFORM IS EXTREMELY BADLY FITTING) Well the jacket isn’t bad – but the trousers are bit loose under the armpits!
GUARD 2: Thanks to the munificence of the Royal Household you get a uniform for every day of the year….and that’s it! (HE NOTICES OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS EYE THAT THE QUEEN IS APPROACHING. HE SNAPS TO ATTENTION. GUARD 1 HOWEVER DOESN’T NOTICE AND CONTINUES SLOUCHING AND BEGINS TO PICK WAX OUT OF HIS EAR AND EXAMINE IT.)
GUARD 1: (OBLIVIOUS) tell you what though Sarge…
GUARD 2: Pssstt!!
GUARD 1: No, no, not this early in the morning! Anyway, I was goin’ to tell you about these boots …
GUARD 2: Shhhhhh!
QUEEN ENTERS
GUARD 1: (STAGE WHISPERS) These boots are really, really waterproof!
QUEEN STANDS BEHIND GUARD 1
GUARD 2: (OUT OF SIDE OF HIS MOUTH) Oh good grief!!
GUARD 1: Yeah! Really waterproof! When it rains, not one drop leaks out!
QUEEN: You pathetic apology for a soldier! How dare you complain about the state of the art equipment issued to you by the Quartermaster of the Royal Household!
GUARD 1 FINALLY SNAPS TO ATTENTION.
GUARD 2: (OILILY TO THE QUEEN) Begin’ your Majesty’s pardon, and with due respect, do allow me…. (SCREAMS AT GUARD 1) You ‘orrible little excuse for a fightin’ man! You is on a fizzer for the next three weeks! Now stand to attention in the presence of her Royal Highness!!
GUARD 1: (FAST - A LA VICKY POLLARD)Yeah but, no but, but anyway I was standin’ to attention right, and you said that she’d say that, and anyway I know nuffin about it…
GUARD 2: SHUTTTUP!!
QUEEN: I have a task for two well-drilled enterprising, resourceful and intelligent military men. (SARCASTICALLY) Perhaps you could help me look for them?
GUARD 1: Oh, yes your majesty, where would you like us to look?
GUARD 2: SHUTTTUP!!
QUEEN: You’ll have to do. I am about to entrust you with a mission so secret and sensitive that the very future of the Kingdom hinges on its success. I want you to take care of a deadly enemy of the State.
GUARD 2: We is the very men Your Majesty! Who is this vile traitor who dares to jeopardise the very fabric of our society?
QUEEN: Snow White
GUARDS 1 & 2 LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER. NOD WISELY, THEN DO A DOUBLE TAKE.
GUARDS 1 & 2: Snow White!!!??
QUEEN: The very same. Now listen, this is what you must do. You will need to lure her into the forest and when she is the deepest, darkest part, then you do the deed!!
GUARD 2: The deed?
GUARD 1: Yeah but, no but, like, but, deed????
QUEEN: (ICILY) The DEED! Let me put it to you in words even you will understand YOU…WILL…KILL…HER…AND….BRING….ME…..PROOF…THAT..THE…DEED…IS….DONE!
GUARD 1: Yeah but, no but, oh that deed!!
GUARD 2: As humble servants of the Crown it will be our solemn duty to carry out
your instructions Your Highness!
QUEEN: See that you do, and do it quickly! I’ll expect your report by the end of the
day! (SHE SWEEPS OFF STAGE)
GUARD 2 SALUTES HER AS SHE EXITS. GUARD 1 FUMBLES THE
SALUTE.
ONCE THE QUEEN EXITS HE PULLS OUT A DIRTY HANKY AND
BEGINS TO BLUB.
GUARD 2: Pull yourself together lad, soldiers often has to obey orders wot they don’t agree with.
GUARD 1: Yeah but, no but, I mean, like, yeah but, kill Snow White??!!
AT THAT MOMENT SNOW WHITE ENTERS CARRYING A PLATE OF CAKES.
SNOW WHITE: Oh hello boys! You must be tired and hungry having to stand guard all this time in this silly old ballroom. I thought you might like a little snack, so I made some cakes especially for you both!
GUARD 2: Oh, good morning Princess Snow White, your Royal Highnessness! How very kind of you!
GUARD 1: (THROUGH HIS TEARS) S – s – snow Wh – wh – white! Ahhhhhh!
GUARD 2: (ACCEPTS A CAKE AND MOVES ACROSS TO GUARD 1 – HE ELBOWS HIM AS HE SPEAKS TO SNOW WHITE.) My colleague and I was wonderin’, as it is such a fine day, whether you was busy this afternoon, and if not, perhaps you would do us the honour and privilege of joining us on a little picnic wot we had planned deep in the forest.
GUARD 1: (EMITS ANOTHER WAIL OF ANGUISH) Ohhhh! Snow White…..picnic…..deep in the forest……ohhhhhhhh!
SNOW WHITE: (TO GUARD 2) Are you certain, I mean, your colleague doesn’t sound too keen to me!
GUARD 2: Oh no, them is just tears of joy Your Highness, at the very thought you might be considerin’ such an offer. Oh yes indeed!
GUARD 1: Ohhhhh! Deed!!!!!!!!
SNOW WHITE: Oh do cheer up, I will definitely come on your picnic.
GUARD 1: Definitely come!!! Ohhhhhhhh no!!!!
GUARD 2: There you are Your Highness, you’ve made his day now. Look, he’s
overjoyed.
THE PALACE CLOCK STRIKES MID-DAY.
SNOW WHITE: Oh,
GUARD 1: Snow White!! A picnic deep in the forest!!! The DEED!! Oh why, oh why did she have to agree to come?
GUARD 2: Now look lad, we is under orders from the Queen herself. It is not for us to reason why. The way I sees it, it is our duty to carry out this dreadful deed, but let us try to make Snow White’s last few hours as happy and as carefree as possible. Now go and sharpen that axe!
GUARD 1: Axe!!!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
CURTAIN.