THE TINDERBOX

Sample Scene

The Roadside beside the tree. Archibald Slobber is curled up in a corner of the stage, looking just like a pile of old rags. The soldier is pulled out of the wings by N. Ronn & Anderson. N. Ronn is holding a large club.

ANDERSON:  Well done!  Now, if you’d just kindly empty out your pockets we’ll take our eight tenths share as agreed and be on our way.  N. Ronn sidles round behind the soldier and hefts the club.

SOLDIER:  Eight tenths?  I thought we’d agreed on half shares! He strides towards Anderson as N. Ronn swings the club, misses, spins around and falls on the floor.

N. RONN:  Ooops! Silly me!  I must have slipped on something.

ANDERSON:  Stupid prawn!  Now then, my brave military friend, if you’d just turn out your pockets, we’ll take our nine tenths and get off back to the palace.

SOLDIER: Nine tenths?  This gets worse! He takes out one copper coin.  I suppose you’ll let me keep this one solitary coin as a keepsake?  He drops it.  Oops! He bends down to pick up the coin as N. Ronn swings the club through the space his head was recently occupying.  N. Ronn spins round and falls over again.   

ANDERSON:  You stupid prawn!  If you want a job done … do it yourself!  He picks up the club and advances on the soldier, N. Ronn skulking behind him.  You’re not going to keep ANY of the money, ‘cause we’re going to bash your head in and take everything! What do you think of that?

SOLDIER:  I think you’ll need to be much better at fighting than you are at accountancy!  He draws his sword.  Come on then …. make my day!

N. Ronn is already making a furtive exit

ANDERSON:  I can count better than you, chum. It’s two to one in our favour!  Grab his arms N. Ronn, and I’ll bash him. ….. N. Ronn?  N. Ronn?  Oh heck!  He panics, drops the club and runs off.

SOLDIER:  Cowards!  Thank goodness I kept my trusty sword sharp and clean.  I always wipe it before I put it away.  I’ll just rub it on a rag from that heap of rubbish over there.

Archibald Slobber stands up.

SLOBBER:  Do you mind?  My name is Archibald Slobber, of Slobber, Slobber, Slobber & Drool Ltd., and I happen to be the proprietor of this horizontally suspended meat product marketing space.

SOLDIER:  Horizontally suspended meat product marketing space?

SLOBBER:  My tray! He flourishes it.  (Hanging from the front edge is a sign which reads: “HOT PIES”.)  Now, what can I sell you today sir?  How about a nice meat pie?  Made from the finest English prime beef. Only three copper coins for a real gourmet experience.

SOLDIER:  I don’t know … I’m a bit wary about eating beef.

SLOBBER:  No worries there Guv.  I killed this cow meself.

SOLDIER:  Yes, but was it mad?

SLOBBER:  Well it wasn’t too pleased!  Ha!  Get it?  Was it mad?  Well it wasn’t too pleased …. just a little joke there sir.  Oh dear …. forget it!  Look sir, this beef is perfectly safe.  I can vouch personally for the mental condition of the cow.  It had two ‘A’ levels!  Well, it would have had …. if the marking had been fair!

SOLDIER:  Yes, all right, I’ll take a pie. He hands over the coins and receives a pie which he bites into appreciatively.  Urgh! It’s cold!  Your sign says hot pies.

SLOBBER:  Well, they were hot when I wrote the sign!  Oh dear, you’ve got some gravy on your chin, sir.  Take this.  hands him a napkin.

SOLDIER: Wipes his chin with it. Thank you.

SLOBBER:  No trouble sir.  That’ll be one copper coin for the napkin please …. Thank you.

SOLDIER: Now, I’d better get a move on.  I’ve got to find some lodgings in the town before it gets dark.

SLOBBER: (Flipping over another sign at the front of the tray which reads: “ESTATE AGENT”.)  Perhaps I can help you there sir?  Permit me to introduce myself.  Archibald Slobber, of Slobber, Slobber, Slobber and Drool Ltd., Estate Agents.  We have a range of desirable properties which would suit a man of taste and discernment. Or if that is too up-market we also supply low cost housing for public sector workers as part of the government’s Private Finance Initiative. We put employees in specially designed accommodation modules, and the government coughs up the rent for ten years. After that the tenant can choose to either buy the module or hand it back and walk away owing nothing.

SOLDIER: That sounds interesting. Do you have them specially manufactured?

SLOBBER: Er, not specially manufactured. Not as such. More we recycle them.

SOLDIER: I don’t follow.

SLOBBER: Well basically I hang around the big gates at the back of the Acme Washing Machine Shop, and when they take a washing machine out of one the big cardboard boxes .... er …. I mean accommodation modules, I sort of … er … liberate it.

SOLDIER:  Mmm …... I don’t think that’s what I’m looking for. What I need is a clean and comfortable room at an inn that serves decent food.

SLOBBER:  Handing him a card.  Then may I recommend The King Dubya Arms sir?  I think you’ll be pleased with the accommodation and service.  Just tell the landlord I sent you.

SOLDIER:  Hands Slobber another coin and picks up his pack.  Thank you.  Perhaps we’ll meet again?

SLOBBER:  Weighing the coins in his hand. I expect so sir. I expect so.

They exit in opposite directions as the curtains close.